“Quickies” can be a fun and spontaneous treat, but couples who skip foreplay are passing up a great way to connect emotionally and physically. “Foreplay is critical, elemental, and absolutely necessary,” says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, endowed professor at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis and sexual health expert and researcher.
While foreplay is essential, Schwartz says the term needs to be reframed. “The whole idea of foreplay is antiquated in the sense that it assumes that the real play is elsewhere. [That] this is just sort of priming the pump, as opposed to an integral part of making love,” she says.
That said, foreplay can bring couples closer whether it serves as the starting line or the destination. Read on to discover the physical and emotional benefits of foreplay, plus how to incorporate more of it into your sexual routine.
What Is Foreplay?
Foreplay, sometimes called “outercourse,” is any form of sexual activity that occurs prior to intercourse. There’s no single way of engaging in foreplay and it can mean different things for different people.
Generally, it can involve kissing, gently nibbling, caressing, and cuddling. It can also include flirty texting or talking, massage, and oral sex. If you like it a little rough, biting, pinching, scratching, and spanking can be a sexual turn on. Whatever the action, the goal is to increase sexual excitement, which can help prepare the body for intercourse. Foreplay is sometimes thought of as a warm up for sex, though it doesn’t necessarily have to lead to intercourse. Some couples find foreplay itself to be sexually fulfilling as a main event.
The Perks of Foreplay
Doing anything that’s sexually arousing can help lubricate your vagina or help you maintain an erection. For people with penises, foreplay can extend an erection and even prevent premature ejaculation, according to StatPearls.
When aroused, the female body pulls the uterus up, lengthening the vagina. Called uterine tenting, this process also creates a little bit of a pool area for semen, per a review. “It’s part of the reproductive sophistication of our machinery,” Dr. Schwartz says. And as those muscles relax, the nerve endings start to get stimulated, according to Midwifery and Sexuality, paving the way for a more pleasurable experience.
Research involving married couples has found that 1 to 10 minutes of foreplay was associated with 40 percent of women achieving orgasm during sex. That percentage rose to 50 with 12 to 20 minutes of foreplay and 60 with more than 20 minutes of foreplay.
“When we open our minds to experiencing different types of pleasure, including kissing, touching, rubbing, and oral sex, we allow our minds and bodies many different ways of building intimacy and pleasure,” says Lyndsey Harper, MD, clinical assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Texas A&M School of Medicine in Bryan, Texas.
Tell Your Partner What You Want
If you want more action in bed, you have to let your partner know what you want. But talking about sex can be easier said than done for some. “Sexual communication can sometimes be difficult because most of us have not had adequate education or modeling of how to have these types of conversations,” Dr. Harper explains.
Harper recommends two sentence starters to try when expressing sexual desire to your partner:
- “I want you to …”
- “It feels so good when you …”
If it makes you more comfortable, you can bring up your sexual needs outside of the bedroom, Harper adds. If you don’t know how to bring it up, she suggests starting the conversation with something like, “Our sex life is really important, and I’d love for us to feel open talking about things. Would it be okay for me to share with you some things I really like?”
Communication comfort is closely linked to trust, says Schwartz. To experience true intimacy and fun foreplay, trusting each other is essential, especially since our needs constantly change. “You’ve got to be able to express all those things to deal with today’s body, which was not yesterday’s body and might not be tomorrow’s,” Schwartz says.
“You’re creating a choreography that is unique between the two of you. You are specific lovers to each other, and it’s your dance that you have to create. That requires honesty and communication,” Schwartz says.
If you’re having difficulty communicating with your partner about your desires, it might be time you both see a couples counselor or sex therapist who can help you navigate these discussions.
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