Wow, forgiveness can be hard (forgiving yourself is sometimes the hardest!), especially if you haven’t gotten over whatever it was the person did. Not forgiving someone who hurt you doesn’t make you a terrible person.
That said, if you can get to forgiveness, it can lower your stress and help you feel happier. Making a conscious decision to forgive a transgression gives you a chance to positively reframe the situation and release negative feelings, explains Simira Freeman, Psy.D., a psychologist in New York City. This way you won’t ruminate and harbor resentment, both of which can harm your mental health (and eventually your physical health) if left to fester.
Try these tips for finding a way to release the grudge.
Meet the Experts: Simira Freeman, Psy.D., a psychologist in New York City; Robyn Martin, L.P.C.-S., a senior clinician at the Menninger Clinic in Houston.
Get in Your Feels
To let go of anger, sadness, or pain, you have to spend a little time with those feelings so as to process them. “We can’t forgive what we don’t acknowledge,” says Robyn Martin, L.P.C.-S., a senior clinician at the Menninger Clinic in Houston.
Pinpoint the emotions you’re experiencing—do you feel angry, betrayed, shocked, sad, or disappointed? Differentiate between how you actually feel and how you think you should feel to further untangle those emotions. Getting clarity can help you be sure you’re making the choice to forgive for your own benefit and not because you hope to change someone’s future behavior. You can’t control that, adds Freeman.
Know Your Needs
Getting clear about your expectations for the relationship can help make forgiveness a smoother experience. For instance, do you need to set boundaries to help prevent a similar situation in the future, or take a little time to let wounds heal? There’s no cookie-cutter approach—let the situation and your values or needs lead you.
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Have the Conversation
Now you’re ready for the big moment. Here are a few common scenarios:
They Apologize Right Away
Listen to what they have to say. If it feels genuine or resonates with you, you may be ready to forgive them.
You Need to Spell It Out
Sometimes someone may not realize how much they’ve hurt you. Explain, respectfully but directly, how their actions affected you, then allow them to respond. Make a conscious effort to control your facial expressions, tone of voice, and reactions. Depending on how that goes, you can decide whether you are able to forgive them.
You’re Not Sure What to Do Next
Sometimes it takes more than one conversation to understand one another. Before you part, see if the other person wants to continue at a later date. If so, that’s progress. If not, know that you tried and you can forgive or not on your own time.
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