The term “gaslighting” may feel like a buzzword, but the behavior itself is nothing new. Broadly, gaslighting is “responding to someone in a way that makes them doubt their own experience,” explains Owen Scott Muir, M.D., a dual board-certified psychiatrist. According to experts, it can be a subtle form of emotional manipulation that leaves you feeling drained.
Meet the Experts: Owen Scott Muir, M.D., a dual board-certified psychiatrist; Sari Chait Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, Erin Wiley, M.A., L.P.C.C.executive director of The Willow Center, and Michele Leno, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and founder of DML Psychological Services.
The term itself comes from a 1938 play called Gaslight, which was subsequently adapted for film. In the story, a character manipulates his wife into believing that she’s imagining things that are actually happening (including the dimming of the house’s gas lights).
Dr. Muir notes that gaslighting in relationships is relatively rare. “It’s really common for people to remember, or to have different stories about why something happened, or just to have different interpretations of the same experience,” he says.
That said, if you’re wondering whether you might be the victim of intentional gaslighting by a partner or friend, experts have identified a few signs to look for.
What is gaslighting?
It’s often “used as a way to gain or maintain control over someone else,” says Sari Chait Ph.D., a clinical psychologist. Gaslighting is the act or practice of misleading someone especially for one’s own advantage, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. It can happen in just about any situation, from personal relationships to the workplace. Erin Wiley, M.A., L.P.C.C.executive director of The Willow Center, describes gaslighting as “a psychological strategy to create confusion in a person so that they end up feeling as if they are to blame for problems in a relationship.”
You may have recognized gaslighting behavior but never knew the signs. This form of manipulation may leave you feeling wary about your own thoughts and feelings. “Gaslighting happens continually over time,” explains Chait. “So the victim typically starts to doubt themselves, believe an alternative truth, and even wonder if they are losing their mind.”
How do you know if someone is gaslighting you?
Recognizing gaslighting is difficult because it is typically done by someone you trust—like a partner, Chait says. If you are on the receiving end of gaslighting, it can feel like a game of tug-of-war, or a love-hate relationship, adds Michele Leno, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and founder of DML Psychological Services. “You feel demeaned and not good enough, although you have made efforts to impress the gaslighter,” Leno continues. “The gaslighter will almost always invalidate your feelings. You may feel emotionally and physically drained following most interactions with them.”
It’s a sign that someone is gaslighting you if they are:
- Constantly minimizing or invalidating your feelings
- Avoiding taking responsibility for their actions
- Lying
- Regularly recalling events differently than you
- Using words like paranoid, overreactive, dramatic, overly sensitive, or crazy
- Experiencing self-doubt
- Acting reactively or intensely where it’s unwarranted
Examples of gaslighting
Gaslighting can occur in many different scenarios. It’s important to be aware of the common phrases or signs of gaslighting. Wily says gaslighting examples include:
Alienating you from supportive friends and family
Example: “They only tell you we should break up because they are jealous of how close we are. They don’t have your best interests at heart.”
Telling you that your perceptions are wrong
Example: “I wasn’t being critical; I was just trying to help you see how other people see you.”
Invalidating your feelings
Example: “You are too sensitive for your own good. You always think I’m hurting your feelings and no one else would think my words are hurtful but you!”
Downplaying your concerns
Example: “No one else gets worked up about things like that—only you. You are so over the top!”
Making you feel like you’re losing your memory
Example: “That’s not at all how it actually happened—you clearly aren’t remembering it correctly.”
Accusing you of being the manipulator
Example: “That’s not at all how it happened—you are putting a spin on that situation, so you look good and I look awful.”
How does gaslighting impact mental health?
“Gaslighting generates or exacerbates anxiety and depression,” says Leno. That’s because it eggs on a consistent spiral of confusion. Being a victim of gaslighting can feel all-consuming and interrupt daily life. “You are attempting to manage a psychologically abusive relationship that is ultimately unmanageable,” Leno explains. “Until you accept that it is not normal to feel so emotionally overwhelmed in a relationship, you will remain tied to the gaslighter. After all, they have manipulated you into believing they know what is best for you.”
What to do if someone is gaslighting you
As Muir noted above, gaslighting isn’t common. It may be helpful to consider whether the instances that you interpreted as gaslighting might have actually been run-of-the-mill misunderstandings. “If we assume gaslighting, we’re likely to get more friction in our lives than if we assume misunderstanding,” he says.
That said, Muir also notes that “gaslighting is useful as a concept, and there are certainly some very antisocial people who engage in that kind of behavior.” If you believe someone is gaslighting you, there are steps you can take to protect your well-being. Here’s what the experts suggest:
Confront the individual
People will always have different points of view. Learning to respect them and address this in a healthy way can help build communication and connection. You can also talk to someone outside the relationship to get their impression of the situation, Wiley suggests.
Find a support system
It’s crucial to remember that you are never alone in this. Finding a strong support system, as Chait suggests, whether it’s friends, coworkers, or family members is important. Being able to build connections and gain perspective can help.
Practice self-care
Putting yourself first doesn’t make you selfish—and can be particularly important in situations of gaslighting. Wiley suggests developing tactics and coping skills to help manage when it happens to you and how to proceed in the future.
Seek help
Chait and Leno say a therapist can help you recognize signs of gaslighting and manage feelings after the relationship with the gaslighter ends. (Check out our tips for finding the right therapist.)
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