How to Know If You Need One

Sharing a bed with a partner can be wonderful in many ways—but though this is the default for couples in the U.S., the number of those with partners who decide to sleep in separate rooms is on the rise.

I don’t love using the word “divorce” when it comes to sleeping in separate rooms—it sounds like the beginning of the end. That’s not what this is. Instead, think of this more as a “sleep independence.”

Nearly one in four couples chooses this arrangement, and almost half say they’d be willing to try it. Consider these factors if you’re mulling over a sleep divorce, as well as why this isn’t for everyone.

The short answer: It means sleeping separately from your partner to get better sleep—whether that’s strategically seeking refuge from your partner’s snoring or their constant tossing and turning. You may also seek separate sleeping arrangements because you have different sleeping preferences. For example, if one person likes to sleep in cooler temperatures, while the other is more comfortable with lots of blankets.

The term “sleep divorce” has a negative connotation, but for some couples sleeping separately can actually lead to increased closeness and intimacy. In fact, good-quality sleep has been shown to be an important indicator of relationship health: A study from The Ohio State University showed that it could improve communication and reduce conflict and irritability over time.

So if sleeping with your partner is making it hard for you to get seven or more restful hours per night, it may be worth considering separate sleep spaces. The truth is, a survey by the Better Sleep Council showed that about one in four people just sleeps a whole lot better alone—and this is especially true when you or your partner has a sleep disorder, disruptive snoring, night terrors, or restless leg syndrome.

Not to mention that being consistently woken up by your partner is a good recipe for resentment over time. Some couples will make the switch when they have opposite work schedules or when they’re in the new-parent zone, perhaps trading off who has the baby monitor in their room so at least one of them can get a full night’s rest.

Of course, this arrangement is not ideal for all. If you’re making this choice to avoid conflict, one-on-one time, or sex and intimacy, sleeping apart may just drive a wedge between the two of you.

If you’re considering it, a sleep divorce might be right for you. When it comes to mental health, stress reduction, and relationship health, one of the first places we look to intervene is with sleep. There’s nothing that’s more important in so many aspects of our lives.

So many folks sacrifice sleep because they believe it’s what’s best for their relationship. If you’re noticing that sleeping in the same bed as your partner is disrupting your sleep, is interfering with your mood, and is causing conflict, it’s worth considering a sleep divorce. The same is true if you’re being woken up in the night because your partner is a kicker or snores in their sleep.

A sleep divorce may also be helpful in the early stages of parenting where you need to switch care at night. If you can sort it out, it’s best that everyone in this life stage gets as much sleep as possible.

A sleep divorce is neither healthy nor unhealthy. It really depends on the person and the couple. It can be healthier for some people because you may get a better night’s sleep. That’s especially true if you and your partner have opposite schedules, or if one is always waking the other up.

But whether or not it impacts the health of your relationship depends on you and your partner.

If sleep isn’t an issue for you and your partner, go ahead and continue sleeping in the same bed at night. That time before bed to catch up can naturally help some folks segue into sleep. (But a lot of people can still have that time together in bed before one person gets up and goes to another location to sleep.)

Still, if sleep isn’t a problem for you, it’s not a problem and you don’t need a sleep divorce. A lot of couples appreciate going to bed together and waking up together.

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A sleep divorce isn’t for everyone. You need space—a bigger home and two beds. That just isn’t realistic for a lot of couples.

It’s also important for you to make time to connect with your partner if you do this. If you currently go to bed together, you have to be intentional about creating time to connect after a sleep divorce. A lot of people really struggle with that, especially if you have a busy lifestyle.

A lot of folks feel an obligation to have sex first thing in the morning or at bedtime, but it’s not for everyone. If you don’t already have this built into your schedule, you have to do the extra work to create this time and invite your partner into your space at some point. It’s something to be mindful of.

Finally, some people will use the idea of a sleep divorce as the first step in a separation. They’re saying that they can’t tolerate a partner in their space and want to be as far away from them as possible. A sleep divorce only works if it’s in service of intentional time for each other. If the purpose is to get farther from your partner, to avoid touch, sex, and hard conversation, that’s not going to help.

If you’re considering this option, the key is to have clear conversations about why you’d like to make the switch and whether you see it as a long-term change or a temporary one. Having a shared narrative about the reasons will also help you explain it to your kids (or your friends, if you decide to tell them about it and you’re worried about their judgment).

For many couples, the only real touchpoints in an otherwise hectic day are before bed and first thing in the morning. If you’re sleeping separately, be mindful of how you’re going to get that daily time for contact and intimacy. Maybe you’ll aim for a snuggle on the couch after dinner, or perhaps you’ll both get in bed for a daily catch-up before going your separate ways to snooze. Being intentional about time together will help prevent a feeling of disconnection over time.

And of course, talk about sex! One potential upside: You may notice that it feels good to shift away from having sex that seems expected just because you happen to be in bed together and intentionally carve out time for intimacy. Consider having some sexy sleepovers!

If you’re on different pages about sleeping together or separately, talk it through and try to build in exceptions and compromise. Remember, neither option is objectively better—it’s about what works best for you both.