A narcissist believes they’re special or unique
It’s perfectly okay to think you’re a little special. But people with NPD take it to an extreme, believing they are so special that they can only be understood by other people they deem to be special. This is why they seek to surround themselves with only people they believe to be the best. This even extends to the doctors they are willing to see. Newman has seen this in his work: “When they come in for some type of therapy, they’re very specific about only being seen by the best person,” he says. “They don’t want just any therapist, they do not want a student, they want the best person. And they’re adamant about it.”
A narcissist requires excessive admiration
Despite the fact that people with narcissistic personality disorder often act boastful and overconfident, their self-esteem can actually be pretty fragile. They have a tendency to be preoccupied with how they are perceived by other people and feel shocked or disappointed when people don’t lay on the flattery. This can be particularly true in romantic relationships. “Narcissists love you as long as you’re idolizing them,” says Newman. “They seem lovely and wonderful and shower you with attention until you assert yourself. Then you might see a mean streak you didn’t see before. And it’s scary.”
A narcissist has a sense of entitlement
“A big sense of entitlement,” says Newman. People with NPD often believe the rules don’t apply to them. This can present itself as being disrespectful to people who warrant respect, like authority figures or national heroes. They are also the type of people who will make you bend over backwards to accommodate them and then show no appreciation for your kindness. “You could plan an entire event around this one person’s schedule and then they might not even show up,” says Newman. “It doesn’t even occur to them that they just pissed everyone off.”
A narcissist lacks empathy
People with narcissistic personality disorder are notorious for being unable to empathize with the struggles or pain of others. “Sometimes a person with narcissistic personality disorder can seem totally reasonable until they say something that’s just outrageously insensitive,” says Newman. “They’d be the person that complains about how annoying their father is to someone who’s father just died.” On the flip side, narcissists will often talk at length about their own troubles and believe that people should genuinely care.
A narcissist is envious of others and believe others are envious of them
People with NPD are constantly comparing themselves to others, especially very successful people, which can trigger feelings of envy. And if they do achieve success in their lives, they often enjoy thinking others are jealous or envious of them, says Newman.
A narcissist behaves in an arrogant or haughty manner
Ever go on a date with someone who ordered the most expensive bottle of wine on the menu, acted very sweet and charming towards you, and yet was completely condescending and rude to the server? Acting arrogant or snobbish while complaining about the stupidity of others that you feel superior to is another red flag for narcissistic personality disorder
A narcissist is preoccupied with fantasies of success and the perfect mate
People with NPD may ruminate excessively on achieving power, success, and respect from other powerful people. This may even play a role in how they pick a romantic partner: Research shows that narcissists place more importance on physical attractiveness and status than personality traits such as kindness or compassion. This is, in part, because when their “trophy” partner looks good, it reflects on themselves and elevates their own self-image.
A narcissist takes advantage of others
A narcissist’s sense of entitlement combined with their lack of empathy makes them ripe for taking advantage of people for their own benefit. This is one reason people with narcissistic personality disorder can be terrible to work for, says Newman. If you have a narcissistic boss, they may work you into the ground without giving you the respect or compensation you deserve. It can be true with friendships, too. Many of us can say we’ve had a fair-weather pal who always seems too busy with their own fabulous life to spend time with you. That is, until you had those extra Beyoncé tickets!
The bottom line
You can decide for yourself whether to continue a relationship with people who show narcissistic traits, but at least you’ll be more aware of what’s going on and be able to identify the red flags as they come.
As Muir points out, NPD is difficult both as the person with the disorder and the person on the receiving end, so do what you can to have compassion both for yourself and the other person. It’s important to find strategies, such as grey rocking, that allow you to hold your boundaries.
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