If you’ve ever walked into a restaurant and asked for a table for one, how did it make you feel? And if you haven’t, perhaps you think it would be hard. For some people eating alone in public sounds like a peaceful treat, while others might see it as an awkward scenario that would have them racing right out the imaginary door.
Both reactions are understandable. But even if it doesn’t feel true when you think about it, doing things in your own company, from checking out a new museum to embarking on a trip, has benefits that make up for possibly feeling intimidated. Solitude (as distinguished from isolation) has been shown to bolster creativity, and research suggests that “choosing to spend time alone doing things you enjoy lowers stress levels and activates ‘low-arousal emotions’ like feeling calm, relaxed, and content,” says Virginia Thomas, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology at Middlebury College in Vermont. “This allows us to reconnect with ourselves and recharge, and it can also benefit our relationships because we reenter them feeling restored and more emotionally available.”
Some people may worry that doing things on their own will make them feel lonely—and feeling socially isolated is linked with physical and mental health issues. But loneliness and isolation aren’t the same thing as intentional “me time.” Psychologists call it “positive solitude” when you’re making the choice to be alone, and it’s beneficial both cognitively and emotionally.
As with any habit, it can take some practice to feel natural doing things without others, and in the beginning you may still have anxious thoughts like, Everyone definitely thinks I have no friends. (Have you ever thought that about people you see by themselves? We didn’t think so.) Or maybe you’re a little self-conscious when you don’t have a friend or a partner with you. Remind yourself that new experiences often feel strange, but that discomfort means you’re growing. If you keep putting yourself out there, you should eventually get the hang of it, and your social stress will shift to feelings of confidence and self-assurance. “You learn to navigate new places and experiences, and you become more resilient as you utilize your coping skills to adjust to different situations,” explains Jessica Gaddy, LICSW, a licensed psychotherapist and clinical social worker in Southern California.
Ready to enjoy your own wonderful company more often? Follow these incremental steps and you’ll be happily flying solo in no time.
The alone-time challenge
1. Create a bucket list
Make a list of fun activities you want to do as a party of one. Maybe you’d like to see a film or a play that just opened, or it could be something more challenging like taking a day or weekend trip. “This gives you a concrete set of experiences you’ve been wanting to have but have been too fearful or intimidated to try on your own before,” says Gaddy.
Rank the items on your list from 1 to 10, from easiest to most daunting—this can be helpful for people who like to have a clear-cut goal to work toward. Leave room near each item to jot down a few details about the activity once you’ve done it—positive or negative emotions you might have felt, a difficult moment, a cool experience. Looking back at your progress after the fact will show you just how far you’ve come.
2. Make a date with yourself
Schedule a handful of slots on the calendar as just-for-you time. You’re more likely to uphold commitments when they’re scheduled, and it will give you time to plan. Start with a short outing so it doesn’t feel overwhelming—say, 20 or 30 minutes, Thomas suggests.
Then refer to your list and make each experience a bit longer or more elaborate. “You are building a new skill set, and things that felt daunting at first will start to feel doable,” says Thomas. Maybe your first jaunt is for a cup of coffee, next you have lunch at a restaurant, and then you visit that park you’ve driven by—one day you might find yourself jetting off to Europe all on your own.
3. Bring a comfort item
Having a couple of distracting tools with you can help make your first forays a little easier. Think of your phone, your laptop, a journal, or a book as training wheels—these objects can help you feel less wobbly until you can ride on your own. But try not to turn to a comfort item at the first sign of unease—see how long you can go without it, knowing it’s there if you need it. “It’s important not to stay glued to these things, especially your phone, because that can take you out of the experience,” says Thomas. And try not to wear headphones or get too distracted by your phone: That will prevent you from being able to become fully immersed in your environment. Besides, without electronics you will seem more approachable and will tend to engage more with others, says Gaddy.
4. Think logically
It’s normal to feel awkward and as if everyone’s staring at you when you first start venturing out alone. That’s the spotlight effect—when we believe everyone is looking at us or judging us. But unless you’re doing something unusual or loud, that’s probably not the case. “People are so consumed with their own lives that it’s unlikely they’re paying attention to you at all,” says Gaddy.
If you can’t shake the anxiety, Gaddy recommends a grounding technique: “Take a deep breath and engage your senses, finding five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can smell, two things you can touch, and one thing you can taste. This helps you to be present in the moment.”
5. Give yourself a medal
“It’s important to honor your accomplishments along the way,” Gaddy says. “There’s usually an experiential prize embedded in each of your solo steps, and these rewards motivate you to keep doing more.” Maybe it’s a delicious pastry at a new café or experiencing a beautiful new hiking spot—if need be, create such a reward for yourself.
A prize will also keep you focused, especially when an activity feels difficult. Beyond the mental health benefits, remember that “you’re building confidence and learning more about yourself,” says Gaddy, “and these intrinsic motivators propel you to keep engaging in this practice even when it’s hard.”
One-woman outings
Set out on some of these “me time” adventures:
- Get lost in a bookstore.
- Treat yourself to a matinee.
- Hit a bunch of vintage stores in a row.
- Enroll in a class—learn to speak French or to draw.
- Indulge in a spa day.
- Sign up to volunteer to walk dogs for a local shelter.
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